Hello Hatters,
The difference between a week or a day or even an hour is crazy. I’m bewildered about the path before me… I have hard days and then even harder days. Country Hubby encompassed the whole of me, so without him, I’m just not myself. My heart and my head have many conversations about my grief process. A typical conversation starts with the heart asking the head, “Will we ever be okay again?” The head lacks the knowledge and answers, “I don’t know; we’ve never been through this deep of a heartache before.” “Well, thanks a lot!” says the heavy heart.
A weightier question, “If I think I’m getting better, is it a sign that I’m forgetting Country Hubby?”
”No way,” says the heart.
Such are the gripping questions of grief. Now that special dates are on the horizon, more emotions are triggered. My wedding anniversary approaches without Country Hubby. I think about visiting the sleepy little coastal town where he and I spent our honeymoon. Would anything be the same? I know two restaurants that we loved are definitely closed. Memories of wonderful breakfasts with homemade toast bring warm thoughts. Thoughts of fluffy pancakes make my taste buds water. Seafood was always the best at the coast. Years later, Country Hubby and I would reminisce about that trip and wonder whether the food was really that good or were we really just that happy? Would a trip to commemorate our anniversary help me or would it bring more sadness? Most of our vacations involved beaches, so I know that salty waves would bring much refreshment and rejuvenation to my tired soul. I know I need that renewal now, even as I consider taking this trip. Part of my weariness though, stems from not going to bed at a decent hour. Bottom line, I don’t want to go there without Country Hubby. I’ve had family and friends offer to help me redecorate my bedroom, so that it’s different. I’ve thanked them kindly for their suggestions. I know that the change has to occur inside of me; an external change is not required. The motivation for rest has to be for me, not around me. I hope that makes sense. At the same time that I am considering this trip to the gulf coast, I took some time to listen to a devotion from one of the apps on my phone. It was the story of Jesus with his disciples. The scripture included a phrase that really resonated with me. Jesus said, “Come away with me and find rest.” During the devotion, I was touched as the sounds of beach waves moved in and out. Those tides washed over me. I felt the warmth of a blessing. My Jesus sees my struggles, He knows I’m considering this trip to the bay area, and He sent ocean sounds to settle me. I am so grateful for my faith walk; my God cradles me. One of the most meaningful worship songs for me has the following chorus, “He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call.” There was another message in the sounds of the ocean waves. I know that I need to go away with Jesus daily. I know that sleep deprivation leaves me devoid of any energy except to get up and go to work. I must rest so that my devotion and quiet time can work in me, through me, and then extend to the other family members and friends. I have a calling on my life and I am reminded that my purpose will best be fulfilled if I commit to rest well. So that whisper in the waves was for me to go to bed early and do so regularly. My exhaustion will hinder my mission, and so I let the lessons lead on. I hear them, I see them. I can’t ignore the message.
I’m a writer who wears many hats, just like you. What struggles do you experience? What messages do you hear or see? Each of us have choices to make that will enrich the journey set before us. For me, I know I need to commit to the pause, the rest, the quiet, and the devotion. I’m not deceived that sleep will provide the “be all, end all.” The grieving path will still be rocky, but I know that approaching the future in a stronger state of being is better than struggling through life in a tired modus operandi. Will I take a trip soon? Will I wear a big floppy beach hat? I don’t know, yet. But it’s time for bed.
I’ll keep you posted… literally. Hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, MT Penny