Looking for Words

Hello Hatters,

I feel gut punched as I process the grief of losing Country Hubby. Some of the pain stems from questions about the last few weeks of his life. Doubts darken my thoughts. Fear of what lies ahead also casts shadows. In my faith walk, I know that those negative feelings are essential tools of the enemy who desires to keep me down and depressed. I call upon my God for deliverance from those lies that torment me.

I can tell this path is going to be a battle for my daily outlook and ability to function properly. For example, today a simple task turned into shampooing my hair with conditioner and conditioning my hair with shampoo. This action illustrated my mind went wondering elsewhere rather than being present. The present is painful so maybe the detour of my mind is a coping mechanism. Going through the motions of life gets things done but sometimes I don’t remember doing them.

Many hours I have just felt numb. Then without warning, some memory or trigger sends me into tears. Anyone who know me, understands that I love words but right now, there are no words to express this funk. I guess this is what grief feels like. I am confused in this grief because the life I shared with Country Hubby makes me grateful. I’m also puzzled about this sadness because he is renewed in Heaven. No more pain, suffering or confusion. I am comforted by those facts. The hurt remains.

I suppose the way through is just trusting that it gets easier. I hesitate to post this blog because it is so personal. My motivation is not pity but a sharing that may help others who might say, “Yes!.” Someone might relate to this journey. Some people do art, some do music, and I write as one who wears many hats just like you. I just didn’t want to wear the widow hat. I didn’t choose it, but I want to realize that I can’t just check a box and know that my grief is processed. It will take time. It will take quiet, it will take music, and for me it will take many words, if I can find them. I’ll connect when I can.

Hugzzzzzz,

MT Penny