Hello Hatters,
So many things happened in the last week that it makes my head spin. When I top that with a peculiar agitation in my spirit, I found myself in a complicated state of mind. Let me explain. Last Saturday, a special meal was prepared, families were brought together, and future plans shared. It was a happy time, and yet I felt a sadness that Country Hubby hadn’t been there for the event.
Then snow and ice showered our state for days. While many suffered electrical and water outages, I was busy working from home and enjoying the beauty. The rarity of lasting and repeated snowfalls in this southern state caused me to pause. I took pictures. I had several roaring fires in my fireplace in the evenings. I watched the snow flurries. Each snowflake unique. My thoughts turned many times to Country Hubby and the fact that he didn’t get to see this unusual time. He was always such a kid at heart.
When our children were young and freezing weather predicted, he would put out the water sprinkler between the swing set and our oak tree. Then he’d turn on the faucet slightly. The next morning, he would marvel at the icicles and different formations created. I have lots of memories of 4-5 inch snowmen because that’s all you could really muster in the few small snowfalls we’d experienced together. Even then, the grass in the round balls made for a prickly and an unattractive kind of Frosty.
So for the amount of snowfall we got over the last week, if County Hubby had been here and in good health, there would have been snowball fights and snowmen made. If only he’d been here. I know he would have enjoyed the experience. Herein lies my predicament.
In my faith walk, I know that Country Hubby is completely healed and in the presence of our Lord. There is no wanting for him. No more tears, no more sorrow, no longing on his part. I can’t imagine. I felt perplexed that I had that same comment in my mind over and over. “Country Hubby would have enjoyed that thing or the other thing.” I talked about it with friends. I couldn’t get peace about it until one friend listened to my confusion over the feelings and suggested an alternative view. She said, “Perhaps it’s actually you missing the experience of sharing these events with him, not that he’s missing out.” The lightbulb went on. The elevator made it to the top floor. It made sense to me. YES, he is completely whole and I’m the one missing the shared special occasions with Country Hubby. I wanted to see his expressions and his reactions to the special days and for that matter, each day. Oh my! The unrest settled. I always feel better when I can see part of the fog lift.
As I walk this journey of grief, I share my feelings, my thoughts, and my struggles. I’m so incredibly grateful that my friend had the insight to help me reframe my confusion. I know that I’m a writer who wears many hats just like you, and I’m not particularly fond of this widow hat. But it seems like the more I am honest with trusted friends, I process the pain, and gain a richer understanding of this hard time. I miss much, because I had much. The “having” is not over; it is just different. The writer in me has to think and figure out the who, the what, the when, the where, and the how. The why is elusive. But that’s ok. I’m making the inquiries and I’m searching for my new way. This week, I discovered that it’s not Country Hubby missing out, it’s me missing life with him. Maybe it should have been as plain as the nose on my face, but it wasn’t.
So that’s me. What’s on your mind or heart that needs a good examination? What’s the story or curiosity in your life? Keep asking questions. Keep sharing your story; you might have an epiphany. Until next time...
Hugzzzzzzz,
MT Penny