How many?

Hello Hatters,

The daunting question on my mind lately is how many years will I live without Country Hubby? It is a sad, if not morbid, question. I usually look for some positive twist to the thoughts on my mind, but this one has had me really stumped. His absence in my daily existence is really hard. It makes a lot of other things hard, too. So to think of a year without him by my side is heartbreaking. To think of a decade without his attention, affections, or advice is unthinkable. I don’t know how people move through these days, months, and years with such crushing ache.

I know that I’ll get better with time or, at least, that’s what I’m told. The question of “how long” is honest, but odd, and useless. The length of time for me to live without Country Hubby doesn’t move me forward, it holds me back. How impossible it is that my mind asks such a question? Actually, how arrogant it is of me to expect an answer! So I come back to myself and realize that no human will receive an answer in advance. I realize that the question arises out of my suffering through this loss. I don’t like to hurt. No one does.

My days are numbered just like everyone else‘s. I was reading in Ecclesiastes, the third chapter. It’s the spot on the Bible that says there’s a time for everything. Only the Lord knows those details. Maybe the best question is, “Do I trust my time, the days, the months and the years to the God of the universe?” It’s not just the best question for me right now, it’s a timely question for all of us. “God help us trust. Help us feel Your Grace, Your Love, and a Way forward! Amen.”

I’m a writer who wears many hats just like you. I am not hiding my hurt or placating this path. I search for Scripture to soothe my day so that I move. I desire to make progress. But there are biblical passage that reminds me of the opposite of movement, like Isaiah 40:31. “Those who wait (hope) in the Lord will renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk and not faint.” So boldly broken, I lift my eyes and wait for the days to be clearer, less confusing, and more importantly, I wait on my Lord. He holds me. He holds you.

It has taken me days to share this blog. I usually just spend a little time with my thoughts and I then write. This place, this processing of my first question, “How many...?” took me days. The irony in length of time doesn’t escape me. I agonized over the question. While I didn’t get an answer, at least my focus shifted. “How many!” is not the right inquiry. The best examination is WHO has my days? The answer is My Lord, always, and in all movement, and in all stillness.

Hugzzzzzz,

MT Penny