Roller Coasters

Hello Hatters,

Do you remember screaming on the down curves of the roller coasters as a kid?  I do.  Even as a young adult, I would brave the newest and craziest ride in town.  As I grew older, those thrills were not important and didn’t hold any attraction for me.  Now, I fall into several of the categories listed on the warning signs at the entrance of those rides, DO NOT RIDE if problems with: neck, back, or motion sickness…

At this specific time in my life, I didn’t get any such warning signs for the topsy-turvy events with Country Hubby.  He’s been sick so long that when he entered hospice, my heart started preparing to become a widow.  He has suffered so much. He said he was done.  To everyone’s surprise, his body has gotten stronger, and now he’s ready to exercise and get back to living.

It has been an adult roller coaster ride that I didn’t expect.  It is a reminder that we may have plans for how life goes, but life goes according to the higher authority.  God has always been in charge and even though I try and yield daily to the events, I’m short tempered, I’m emotional, I’m nicer to the caregivers than I am to my own husband.  What is up with that?  How ridiculous is it that I’m confused that he is getting stronger. 

My wonderful counselor said that I need to give myself grace.  I will make mistakes, have regrets and so I confess to … being human.  I am frail, emotionally thin, and not equipped for these hard times.  There’s no Leave it to Beaver wifey-poo here.  I’m as raw as it gets and there’s no room anywhere to stuff these emotions and feelings.  They are out in the wide open spaces of my home, along with the hospital bed, wheel chair, walker, and a plethora of other medical supplies.

I’m blessed because Country Hubby gets me.  He knows that it is the pressure that turns me into a Frankenstein’s bride.  He knows me better than I know myself.  I laugh now thinking of a Frankenstein’s bride riding a roller coaster…. Would her head come off?  Crazy thought.  My logic, my rational mind has definitely taken a leave of absence.  Can the rest of me follow??  A vacation, maybe??

I’m a writer who wears many hats, just like you.  I write to process.  I write to be authentically me.  I write because you may relate to my rawest version of myself.  I’m not afraid to share because people need to know that it’s ok not to be ok.  I have never had to trust God so much in all of my 60 plus years.  This roller coaster will resolve but I can’t deceive myself thinking that there won’t be another one.  There will always be some kind of roller coaster waiting for me.  I just have to know that there’s a time for everything.  Only God knows Country Hubby’s path and only God knows how much I need His direction, love, grace, mercy and forgiveness.  I’m grateful to know that He catches me when I fall.  He brings me back to His work.  He helps me press on.  He is the Great I Am. I’m certain He knows where you are and what roller coaster you’re experiencing.

Hugzzzzzzzz,

MT Penny