Hello Hatters,
Yesterday, I thought I was on my way to feeling better about this grief process. Yesterday, I had an emotionally leveled day. I’d felt somewhat accomplished on getting out some more thank you notes. Work was steady. Great. Progress. So when I woke up this morning angrier than a grizzly bear, I felt confused. “Can I just pass on today, please?”
My head knowledge understands the stages of grief, but when the anger steamed in like a locomotive, it was unexpected and unwelcome. I talked with my sister. I cried all the way to work. I called a trusted friend and parked in a cup-de-sac and sobbed my way through a journey that took me to the root of my anger. It boiled down to a memory of a not so kind moment with Country Hubby. He was kind; I was not.
He had commented on how I had seemed withdrawn. He asked me why I wasn’t telling him my feelings about this or that or the other thing. I told him that even if I told him, he wouldn’t remember later. He remarked, “Well, I’ll remember today. It matters today. I’m sorry that I don’t remember later, but I love you and I want to know what’s going on now!”
Usually, unkind things are usually said out of exhaustion or frustration. I wouldn’t have purposely hurt Country Hubby at that time or any other time. It was a brutally honest, yet unnecessary statement on my part about his memory. Of course, he cared. Of course, he noticed. That’s how much he knew me.
In the course of this current journey, there are many decisions that are required. One moment, please. (I just want to talk them over with Country Hubby!) Wow, I’d take a moment with him right now to talk about these choices I’m facing, even if he couldn’t remember the conversation tomorrow.
So there you have it friends, I was angry at myself. I didn’t even know it, but I was angry at an event that happened months ago. It surfaced today when I felt the need for Country Hubby’s ears. It took some talking; we dug deep for that root. It turns out that I was mad at me. Well, that’s productive! NOT! I’m a writer; I have a lot of words. They aren’t always appropriate. I was unkind. I have regrets. It’s inevitable. So the kindness that Country Hubby doesn’t need anymore, I must choose to give to myself. I have to recognize and forgive my unkindness.
Care came to me during the phone calls made, the prayers said over me, and an impromptu visit from a dear friend. I know that I matter to people. That’s really good, because I need people to speak into my life. Your path may be different than mine, but we’ve all got stuff that trips us up and messes with our minds. Today, I needed my friends. I needed prayers. I needed tenderness. Today, you may need some of your friends. You may need prayers. You may need some tangible touches of caring.
It’s ok to need. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to figure out the root causes of emotions. Honestly, there’s probably a lot more obstacles in my future and yours. Time... it will take time. I hope we can figure out difference between the roots that need pulling and the roots that need nourishing. Unkindness can go. Forgiveness can stay.
Hugzzzzz,
MT Penny