Hello Hatters,
I've had an LED blinking tree up in my living room since November of last year. So, it’s been up for five months now. I'm trying to decide whether to keep it up all year or go head and take it down. I don't want the beauty to become just routine or take it for granted. I do enjoy the colors and how it blinks randomly. It is a source of delight for me, a sort of ritual. Each day I come home from work, I turn it on immediately. Lately, I’ve wondered is it time to take it down?
There’s more to it than just being a tree. It has towered over the urn of Country Hubby’s ashes since January. It has been a home to his binoculars as a reminder that I’ll see him again. I have a cross and an angel on the tree skirt. My intention was to keep it up all year long. I bought different tree skirts for various seasons of the year. I currently have a pretty spring tree skirt around the base. Yesterday though, I moved County Hubby’s urn to the hearth. The binoculars were placed back on the mantle where they were before. Today, I moved the urn back under the tree. I can't tell in my spirit which place to put the urn. It just feels like movement. I don't know if I'm making any progress or not. It’s a bit like being numb to the actions and I resist being robotic. Yesterday, I felt pretty heavy and I know that supposed to be okay. Today was better. Every day brings a little different level of emotion. Sometimes, I’m pretty straight up and solid. Yesterday was not one of those days. On top of this personal grief journey, work has been really busy and demanding (with no end in sight). As I've often said, the way through these days is to be thankful, to be thankful, to be thankful.... Maybe I should call my LED blinking tree “my thankful tree.“ Maybe I’ll just keep it up all year long, as a reminder that thankfulness will lighten my perspective, in more ways than one.
In my faith walk, my Savior is the Light of the World, so there’s that symbolism and reminder. I know He touches my life in so many ways. I’ve been told that there's no right or wrong path in this grief process. I just wanna feel better and as my wise counselor tells me that since I’m a fixer, it’s hard to accept that I can't fix this. I have to get through it and I don't even know how. Actually, I’m not sure that it’s a possibility to get through it. I can’t take a certain number of days, and then just check a box. I just keep getting up and putting one foot in front of the other.
I have a really great support system, like my sister who calls me every day. I talk to my friends at work. I have wonderful church friends, and my daughters call me regularly to check in. Cousin send cards and text messages. I have to remember that many of my family members are on their own grief journey. I know they’re concerned for me but they've got to take the time to process their own grief of losing their daddy, or brother, or uncle, etc. He was such a huge influence on so many people’s lives that it's not just me that hurts; it's many people. One person impacted such a large group of people. I count myself so blessed to be the one who shared his world.
Our love story still amazes me as I ponder the depth and beauty of it. Words cannot describe the warmth and acceptance I felt as Country Hubby’s wife. If he could send a message, I know full well it would be of complete support to do whatever I need or want. He always wanted my happiness. A common phrase he used, “Honey, if you like it, I love it!”
He’d tell me to keep the tree up as long as it gives me smiles. Well, I think I’ve talked myself into it. The thankful blinking tree stays. No judgment, no drama, no deadline. I haven’t counted but I bet there’s 250 or more lights of blue, green, red, and yellow. They give color to my evenings and a soothing touch to my mood. Plus, I remember the day that Country Hubby and I found the tree and bought it. It was a happy day. It was a day we spent together and that was one of the best gifts he gave me, his time.
If you have time, give away your attention and affections. It’ll be a blessing to someone. It’s also good advice for myself. It can be a great mission. Give time to what and who matters. Tonight, I give time to consider something simple: a blinking tree that makes me thankful.
Hugzzzzzzzz,
MT Penny